The Christmas Letter No One Gives Two Shits About

  Merry XMas Everyone! I enrolled in some Pilates classes this winter to ward off those pesky 2.5 pounds I am faced with each Christmas.  I mean, you can only eat so many Wasabi rice cakes before they start to creep up on your laugh lines (!) Speaking of laugh lines, I got Botox as…

#Hashtag Wars: #sad toys

  Just in case you didn’t know, @midnight is a game show hosted by comic @nerdist Chris Hardwick and played by comedians on Comedy Central who play for the title of Funniest Comedian Alive for the next 23.5 hours.  Throughout the show, contestants are required to come up with captions and comments and reviews on…

Top Ten Reasons to have Kids

Ever wonder what motivates people to have kids?  I don’t.  Actually, scratch that.  I have some theories.  Ten, in fact.  In no particular order.  Giddy-up. 1.  A purpose.  Don’t know what your calling is?  Pop some out!  Regret it later. 2.  A do-over.  A chance to live vicariously through their children.  They’re Beliebers. 3.  Cheap…

Interview with a Stoner

INTERVIEWER Hi, there. I’m Louise.  I’ll be interviewing you. STONER Lou, What’s up? INTERVIEWER Louise. STONER Luiz. Cool, cool. INTERVIEWER Louise. STONER That’s what I said.  Luiz. INTERVIEWER It says your name here is Ralph. STONER Rolls. INTERVIEWER Excuse me? STONER Street name. INTERVIEWER Why don’t we go with your interview name, Ralph, shall we?…

The Stuck-up Hobo

This may be a recurring installment – some brief sketches brought to you by ABC, yah you know, me. HOMELESS GUY: Spare some change? GUY: Sure, man – here’s a twenty. HOMELESS MAN:  What do I look like, a charity? GUY: I’m sorry.  I thought $20 was a generous donation. HOMELESS MAN:  Oh, so now…